The Apocalypse draws closer and public speakers all over the world are going completly bonkers. This is a transcript of a “Don’t do drugs” lesson that was held at my school a couple of days ago:

 

Have you ever tried drugs? If you haven’t, you’re missing something that will change your life forever!

Many things considered bad, aren’t really bad at all. It depends on how you see it. For instance: Drugs make you a lot cooler. Who doesn’t think it’s cool to stick needles in your arms? You can even make small messages with the scares you get. And the effect of the drugs… Wow, it will blow your mind! When you’re lying in the mud, spread-eagled and with sexy foam around your mouth, you will never be happier. New dimensions open up. Dimensions were you are not a drug-addict, not a hopeless loser and your “friends” don’t actually take abuse of you. It’s great!

Although the upsides of drugs are quite brilliant, there are amazingly enough (!) some bad ones also. You may lose all your friends or get arrested. In some countries they execute people who do drugs, so unless that is one of your life ambitions or you think it merely sounds fun to die, it will probably turn out to be your last once-in-a-lifetime experience…

While we are talking about death, drugs are a sure-proof way to die early. But don’t despair; there is a bright side to this fact. You save the society the expenses of paying for your health care, which is good since your lazy-ass has never paid a penny to the tax-office, and you avoid the humiliation of having another person literally wiping your ass. But if you O.D. and go into a coma, you will experience that satisfaction anyway!

Come to think of it, is there really any point in living longer than to your late-thirties? There must be a reason why so many people kill themselves. Is it maybe a connection between taking drugs and suicide? Most likely it has something to do with the mental states of junkies. But I don’t know and I don’t want to talk about it. Why am I here, anyway?

Personal ruin is also a common consequence of drug-abuse. But according to some kinds of religions that’s a blessing. You will own a needle, some clothes and a cup, which you will use to gather the money you receive from begging. Only three things; a place in heaven is virtually booked!

But of course, you aren’t going to heaven! You will go to hell! You will burn in the everlasting flames of Satan and your skin will curl when God’s true justice shines upon you. Ha, ha, ha (and so on and so on).

(At this point the speaker is laughing insanely and frothing badly. Two men will enter the stage and strap him into a strait jacket. Then they will carry him away while he’s hissing in the speech of tongues and squirming in their grip. The speaker is clearly out of his mind, and spectators notice some scars on his arms. They make out the sentence: “Don’t do drugs!”)